Anxious.Rude. Perverted. Fake. Lost. Rejected.Liar. Cheat. Thief. Depressed. Proud. Nasty. Hopeless.
Those were the things I used to be just a few years ago. When I turned 18 years old, I became more and more curious about the after life. Where would I go after I died? Heck, where would anyone go after they died? I never knew much about God or Jesus, or heaven and hell. Yes, I went to church. Yes, my parents taught us about God. But unfortunately the decisions my siblings and I made in our lives did not reflect Christ. We didn't care about God or the things of God. Could it be that our church congregation were hypocrites? Or just not the greatest examples of Christians? Of course, this is not a reason to leave the church. But we did. And that was the end of the whole God thing.
::insert sigh of relief here::
Honestly, no kid likes going to church. I thought maybe if I just believed in God, I'd be alright. I mean, I was just a kid. I would never die and besides, if I did, God would never cast a kid to hell. I had just turned 15 when my family and I left our church. I did not object to this. But if I had known the consequences of leaving God, I would have never done it.
So much had happened in that period of time from age 15-18. Previously at age 13, I had my first alcoholic drink at a sleep over at my friends house. We thought we were so bad. We, along with our other girl friends, used to buy condoms from the gas station bathrooms and fill them with water and throw them at my friends neighbors home. Or go on long walks in the middle of the night and meet up with friends just to hang out. At that age, we were just beginning to mold ourselves into the "people" we wanted to be. Preppy, goth, ghetto, punk. You remember.
At age 14, I had my first "serious" relationship. I use quotation marks because obviously that was a ridiculous relationship. But it was a relationship that went on and off until I was 17 years old, so of course there is some background behind it. I was just starting out high school. Freshman. Lost in the hallways trying to find my classes..I didn't remember my locker combo. It was that week of school I met my first real boyfriend. He was the class clown and we had first period together. He was popular and a lot of girls flirted with him and wanted to be his girlfriend. In my mind, I knew I didn't have a chance with him. Why would a popular, preppy guy want to date a weird, wannabe punk girl with heavy eye makeup? It made no sense. But somehow, we became a thing. Eventually, that thing of a boyfriend tried every move in the book to get me to lose my virginity to him. He was conniving. A liar. A really good liar. But I fell for everything.
How badly I wish I would have known God at that time. I know things would have been easier and I would have been able to get out of those sticky situations. I was just a child. I didn't know the meaning of life or the meaning of relationships. Besides, how could I get on my knees and pray to a God I wasn't sure existed? Would He have even heard me?
To clear the air, I did not lose my virginity to this guy. I was smart enough to know I was too young, even though I thought I was the most mature person in the world. I was considered a tease, a whore and a cheater in my ex boyfriends eyes. But eventually we got back together. He continued to lie to me about love and commitment. Then all the rumors came out. I heard about him cheating, dealing drugs behind my back and partying with girls I didn't care to know. This time I didn't break up with him, he broke up with me. And yet I was still the bad guy.
Where was this so called God to heal my wounds and broken heart? Why would God let this jerk play me? Why would God allow me to go through such embarrassment? And all the lies! Come to think of it, I was the one embarrassing God. I was the one playing the games.
In case you didn't know, break ups are hard. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. After a break up, the world you live in collapses, leaving you with no water or food. No love. No explanation. Nothing. A break up leaves you high and dry. I remember losing weight and having permanent bags under my eyes from crying. I remember that feeling of hopelessness. What was the point of life now that he was gone? I had to transfer schools, make new friends and try my best to forget "him".
I was starting a new chapter in my life when I had my first experience with weed. I was not the type of person to go crazy wild over drugs and alcohol, so you can imagine how awkward I was smoking marijuana. I was pressured into doing it, so I did it. My brain has not been the same since those days of smoking. Surprisingly, it was not something I enjoyed doing, but at that time and moment, it was the answer to all my problems.
My last year of high school I transferred back to my old school. I knew it would be hard, knowing I had abandoned all my friends the year before. When I came back to school, it was like I had never existed. My friends ignored me. They treated me as though I was not worth being friends with anymore. I deserved it though. Who would want to be friends with me? Besides, I was the one who left them in the dark after my break up. Despite all this, I was determined to have a good year.
In the beginning of that school year, I started talking to a guy named Ryan. He skateboarded and listened to the most awesome music. He was the reason I ever got over my ex boyfriend. We used to talk on the phone for hours about nothing.. it was crazy to say the least. Around the time I started dating him, I became more interested in Christianity. His family was involved in church and were very devoted to their faith. But I was struggling to know God. It was like there was this pain deep inside my heart wanting to know what they knew. But I couldn't let myself cave in. I was a non believer, an atheist. Maybe agnostic. Whatever I was, I was hurting.
So many things would run through my mind. Like, how could a God who claimed to be of love, be so hateful? Why would the bible teach such hate and not all love? Why would I want that? If God loved us all, why would he not accept homosexuality? Why would he be jealous of other religions? Why does he have to have so many stupid rules that don't fit into my life?
I was not so innocent anymore. I was no longer that 15 year old girl who left church without a thought of eternity. I was almost 18 and had already done every bad thing in the book. I was a bad girl.
After my high school graduation, I enrolled in college and started my first job at a hospital. Ryan and I were pretty serious in our relationship and we were even talking about getting married. I always loved the idea of getting married young and I wanted so badly to have kids. But I knew we weren't ready for that. Besides wanting to get married, we still had some personal issues we needed to take care of. I struggled with certain things. Anxiety, trust issues, depression. These were major issues that were taking over my life. I couldn't go anywhere without accusing Ryan of doing something...I wasn't able to be myself without acting fake. Some nights were hard to sleep and I remember taking sleeping pills, only to wake up the next morning feeling higher than a kite. That feeling didn't leave for almost 2 months and I thought I was going to die, literally. I became depressed and kept thinking about God. I remember getting on my knee's one night and crying out, "OK GOD. YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION" But nothing. I didn't have a religious experience. I didn't feel God come into my life and I didn't think about asking for forgiveness. If anything, God should have been the one forgiving me. "Why God?! Why would you make me go through all this?" It was quite ridiculous, but those feelings were real. But those feelings lied.
Like I mentioned, I had trust issues. I could not trust my boyfriend. He always looked at other girls. He always lied. He drank too much. What if he had hooked up with another girl while he was drunk? Would I have ever found out? What if he contracted some sort of STD? As much as I loved Ryan, I hated the fact I couldn't trust him. What was he doing when he went out of state to see a concert? Was he really with his friends or was he hanging out with another girl? These things always ran through my head and I would get to the point of an anxiety attack. I couldn't lose Ryan. He was my life...he was everything I wanted. But my curiosity got the best of me when I discovered his email password.
Yes, that's right. I got a hold of his email password and now I could log into his Yahoo account, Myspace account and anything else because he used the same password. During one of my "insecure" days(which I had often), I decided to check Ryan's email. The day before, I had noticed him looking at another girl and decided to see if maybe, just maybe he was being unfaithful and was secretly talking to another girl. I logged onto his Yahoo account with confidence, knowing I wouldn't find anything out of the ordinary. I mean, I had already checked his cell phone contacts and text messages and found nothing(I was a very insecure girlfriend). When I logged into his email, I checked to see if he had any saved mail or anything to indicate he was talking to another girl. Nothing. Right before I was about to log off, I noticed he had made a folder he titled "Miscellaneous". It caught my eye at the very last second so I clicked on it. I won't go into detail, but I will say that what I discovered was enough for me to break up with him. From that moment on, I knew our relationship would never work without a miracle.
When you love someone, you'll do anything for them. You'd give up your life and your dreams. You'd stop time if it were in the name of love. Even during a break up, I can recall being on the phone with Ryan, frustrated and angry. "Just don't do anything stupid to yourself Ryan.." When I called to break up with him, he was upset in tears. When you decide to leave someone, that feeling of love doesn't just disappear. I had gone through so much with him to just throw everything away. I didn't want to break up with him, but I wanted him to know how hurt I was by what I discovered on his email. Yes, it was my fault I had gone behind his back to look at his private stuff, but for Heaven's sake, I was his girlfriend! I should have been the only woman in his life! I was the woman he wanted to marry. I was his first love. I was the one who stuck by his side when everyone else left. Why would he need to look at other girls to fulfill his needs? Was I not providing him enough love? I thought I was. But there was one love that neither one of had ever felt. That love was from God.
"God? Are you there? I mean, if you are then just say so. If you love me, prove it. If you can change lives, do it." -me
The bible says in James 4:8, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you"
I was desperate to know God at this point. I wanted to change. Ryan wanted to change. We wanted to be together and stay together. This is proof that growing up in church doesn't make you a Christian. It doesn't automatically save you. You have to be responsible for your own relationship with God. But what if you never knew Him? What if at one point in life you gave your life to Him but fell away? That was Ryan's issue. My issue? I never even knew God. But it wasn't too late, and it never is. God was calling out to me..He wanted to restore my life. After all the years of insecurity and rejection, I felt this overwhelming comfort from God. He did send His only son, and it was for moments like these.
After stepping out in faith, Ryan and I decided to find a church we could call our own. We tried one church, but I only remember worship music. After that, we decided to try another church that Ryan's friend attended. It was very small and personable. It was there that I felt God. I still remember the sermon being about God's love, and about how God knows every little thing about us. He knew me all along. He knew my struggles, He knew my insecurities, but He was waiting for me to make a decision in life. He was waiting for me to stop being selfish, and to stop living life for ME.
We grew to love the people in this church and became fully involved with everything. Services, outreaches, coffee houses...we wanted to be involved in every little thing God could offer. I can honestly say if it weren't for the church we're in, I would have never grown to be spiritually mature today. I give God all the credit and glory for what He has done in my life and in Ryan's life. He is still converting us. We are still continuing to grow.
We have been married for almost 4 years now, and still going strong. It's incredible what God has done in my life. I no longer live in anxiety. I no longer have trust issues. I no longer have to wonder about heaven or hell...because God is real. Cast your worries on Him because He is out there and He'll turn your situation around
This writing is not finished, in fact it will never be finished. As long as God keeps changing lives, I'll keep testifying
